Have you ever put on some glasses with a prescription not meant for you, or worn color tinted sunglasses for a period of time?  How did the world look?  How did things look after you took them off? 

Can you imagine living and adapting to that vision over time?  Our thought patterns, just like those glasses, shape the way we view the world around us.  If we see things truly and honestly, we move through life with clarity and understanding.  If we use cognitive distortions, beauty is lost, the world becomes warped and twisted, we may see one thing when there is, in fact, something else, and we will often stumble.  

What is a cognitive distortion?  Simply put, a cognitive distortion is a thought pattern, usually exaggerated, that is not based on facts and often leads us to believe in the more negative aspects of situations, people, or other parts of life.  The following is a list and description of many of the most common distortions.  Feel free to take notes of any that you feel you may be guilty of engaging in, because I will be going over what can be done to remove these “glasses” at the end.  

1. Always Being Right

2. Blaming

3. Catastrophizing

4. Control Fallacies

5. Discounting the Positive

6. Emotional Reasoning

7. Fallacy of Change

8. Fallacy of Fairness

9. Global Labeling

10. Jumping to Conclusions

11. Mental Filtering

12. Overgeneralization

13. Personalization

14. Polarization

15. Shoulds

Always being right

Everyone wants to be right.  This is natural.  This becomes a cognitive distortion when the need to be right overpowers your ability to accept facts and evidence, or causes you to sacrifice relationships in favor of being right (even if you are technically correct).  

Ex. You and a friend get in an argument, both taking opposite positions on something.  During the course of the argument, it sounds more and more like you may be wrong.  Instead of sceding the “win” to your friend, you fight tooth and nail to justify your position, growing angrier and angrier until you end up doing or saying something hurtful, damaging your relationship.  

It may be difficult to accept that you may be wrong, but it happens.  Sometimes you may even be “right”, but continuing the argument or pushing for your “victory” will hurt feelings and cause more problems than it is worth.  In many cases, things just boil down to opinions; there is no real right or wrong answer.  If you are prioritizing winning an argument over the health of a relationship, you may be wrong in the grand scheme of things.  You have to ask yourself if the reward of being “right” is worth the price of the relationship.  Life gets easier when you learn to humble yourself and admit fault or drop an argument when it happens.  It will also make your relationships healthier if you do.  

Blaming

Blaming is when you make others responsible for your thoughts, feelings, or actions.  “He made me mad”  is a common phrase in blaming behavior.  Another is: “He made me do it.”  The truth is, “No one can make you mad, no one can make you sad, no one can make you happy.  No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do.  You choose how to react to every situation you find yourself in.”  

Ex. You get cut off on the freeway on the way to work.  You get angry and dwell on the incident for the rest of your day, perpetuating the sour mood you found yourself in.  You blame that person for ruining your whole day.  

When you come to terms with the fact that every emotion is a choice and you get to choose which ones you dwell on, you will find that not only do you take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions, you actually gain more control over your thoughts, emotions, and actions.  Part of the process of reversing this cognitive distortion is claiming responsibility for yourself, coming to terms with the fact that sometimes, you may do things that you are not proud of.  With this acknowledgement, comes change.  You will become a better person as a result.  

Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing is also often referred to as “What-if mode”.  When someone catastrophizes, they mentally explore the most exaggerated, negative “what-if’s” that could possibly happen in any situation.  They drive themselves crazy with negative possibilities, intrusive thoughts, and the anxiety that comes with it.  This behavior is motivated by fear.  

Ex. He didn’t answer his phone!  What if he got in a car accident and died?!  He’s probably dead! 

This behavior can be deconstructed by, first, realizing that no living human being knows the future.  We can guess at what might happen, but without a concrete knowledge of things that have happened, or are in the process of happening, the truth is we don’t know.  We, in fact, cannot know.  Fear is the same as excitement.  The only difference is that fear is the result of expecting the negative, and excitement is a result of expecting the positive.  When someone is being fearful, they have been thinking about how things could go wrong.  The way to counter that is to “flip the coin” and ask, “what could go right in this situation?”  When we consider that our efforts have weight and influence, and if we are actively working towards good conclusions, then it stands to logic that it is more likely that good things will occur.  Excitement makes more sense than fear, in most instances.  (See the handout on Understanding & Dispelling Fear for more on this subject.)

Control fallacies

This distortion can take two forms:  Either you control and are responsible for everything and all that happens is in some way connected to your actions, or you have no control over any aspect of your life or the situation you find yourself in.  

Ex. The whole world is against me and I can’t succeed at anything as a result.  

Or

Ex. I screwed up and now everyone around me is unhappy and their lives are ruined because of my actions.  

This distortion can be broken down by realizing that you are in control of your own life and actions; and everyone else has control of theirs.  There is interaction, sure, and sometimes other people's actions can place stumbling blocks in our way, but that, in no way, controls how we react to situations or how things are destined to end up.  Free will is real.  You ultimately get to choose what you do and how you do it, but sometimes you need to account for disruptions and obstacles.  In extreme cases, you may even need to pivot and change plans and goals in response to challenges.  The same as everyone else.  

Discounting the Positive

This distortion makes excuses as to why positive things in life “don’t count”.  This behavior sucks the good out of a good situation.  It kills compliments, and it imposes ill will on good will.  It sucks the wind out of the sails of victory and accomplishment.  When presented with a compliment, someone engaging in this distortion might comment something like, “They don’t really mean that, they are just being nice.”  This can be confused with humility, which is a good trait.  The difference is that humility gives credit and compliment to others.  Discounting the positive removes credit entirely and questions the validity of the compliment.  

Ex. You just passed a difficult math test.  A close friend congratulates you on the achievement.  You immediately discount it saying that you think the teacher went easy on the class because you were all struggling this year. 

The way to overcome this distortion is to realize that all compliments are valid to those who give them.  Victories should be enjoyed and are best if shared with those who helped.  Sometimes it is as simple as forcing yourself to accept a compliment with a “thank you” and a fake smile while biting your tongue when you feel like discounting the compliment.  After a while, it gets easier and you can start appreciating the good will and praise you earned through your efforts (or that someone just decided to throw your way for no other reason than they noticed something they like about you.)  

Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning confuses feelings for a reflection of reality, especially when considering the outcome of future events.  “I feel a certain way about a situation, this must be the truth,” is a common phrase in the mind of someone engaging with this behavior.  We see a lot of people exercising this behavior inside casinos.  They discard the logic of “the house always wins” in favor of the thought carefully manufactured by the casino, “I feel lucky!” or “It’s just a setback, I can feel it all coming back to me!”  Just before they lose huge sums of money.  

Ex. I feel like I’m not doing things the right way, hence, I don’t belong here.  

Or

I felt nervous when I woke up this morning.  Something bad is going to happen.  

The way to overcome this behavior is to learn how to detach emotion from a situation.  You cannot be further away from logic than when you are in your emotions.  If all your decisions are made based on how you feel in the moment, then you will end up regretting a lot of your decisions, especially those made out of fear or anger.  Taking a deep breath, a step back, and allowing yourself to logically analyze the known facts of a situation can dismantle this type of thinking.  There is a time and a place to trust our feelings and intuition, but logic should always play a part in decision making.  

Fallacy of Change

This distortion leads you to believe that others will change to meet your expectations or needs, even when they have shown no inclination of doing so, especially if you give them enough pressure to change.  We see this alot in people who keep returning to toxic relationships.  “I can change him!” or “It’ll be different this time!” are common phrases uttered by these poor souls.  

Ex. Your son enjoys playing video games in his free time.  Everytime you see him start up his gaming console you comment about how you “hate that thing” and how it’ll rot his brain.  You know that sometime soon, he’ll realize that you are right and change his ways, learning to despise gaming the way you do.  

The way to beat this distortion is to realize and acknowledge that no one can make anyone do anything they do not want to do.  If someone is going to change, they need to want to change.  You wanting it for them is not going to do it, no matter how desperately you want it.  

The best you can do is make your position clear on the issue and place the ball in their court.  Some people, upon hearing how their behavior affects those they love, will decide that it is worth it for them to change.  If they do not wish to change, especially if they make this clear, acknowledge that they will not change at this time.  Wish them well and accept that this is part of who they are at this time.  Let them know that you are there for them if they decide they want to change this behavior at some point, but do not try to force it.  Forcing change only leads to resentment and rebellion, not change.  

If the disliked behavior is bad enough (as with abuse, addictions, or incompatibility issues), then relationships may need to be discontinued.  A clean break may be necessary.  If the behavior is just a minor inconvenience or annoyance, then you need to learn to live with it (or at least learn to leave the room if it bothers you).  

Fallacy of Fairness

This distortion weighs everything that happens on a scale of fairness.  Finding that others have a different understanding of what might be “fair” in any given situation may make you feel resentful towards them.  Simply put, You “know” what is fair and it upsets you when people disagree.  This will often lead to fights, arguments and general conflict over who is right about what is “fair”.  The secret is, however, that fairness does not really exist and what one person, even yourself, deems as fair, is often more “fair” in one direction than the other (usually towards yourself, though some will opt to punish themselves out of a sense of false virtue).  

Ex. You come home from a hard day at work to a home filled with rowdy children.  Your spouse asks you to help out with the children or to help with dinner but, in your mind, this is not fair.  You have been working all day and deserve some rest and relaxation and a home cooked meal as a reward for your hard work.  Your spouse feels that it is not fair that you got to “escape” from the constant noise and questions of your young children for the better part of a day, while they were left without adult interaction for hours.  To you it is “fair” that you should be able to relax until dinner.  To your spouse, it is “fair” that you help out or even relieve them so they can have a few minutes of silence.  

The answer to this distortion is grace.  You acknowledge that life is not fair but you will opt to give freely to others, whether or not they reciprocate.  If you pull up to a stop sign at the same time as someone else , wave them on, even if you feel like you might have gotten there a millisecond sooner.  If you split the portions of food, let the other person choose which one they want, and be ok with their choice.  

Some of the best advice my wife and I ever received before our marriage was “Don’t keep score.”  Obsessing over fairness and keeping track of who does what will always lead to resentment.  If both sides do all they can to support the other side acknowledging that sometimes others may need a little more support now and then, then there will be peace in the home.  Obsessing over fairness becomes selfishness.  Giving grace and love to others becomes selflessness.  Getting lost in grace leads to greater happiness than the momentary gratification of perceived “fairness”.  

Global labeling

This distortion places labels on people or things based on a single incident, often without context.  These labels are often negative and are almost always unfair.  Once a label is placed on yourself or others, it affects the way you think about and treat that person or thing.  These labels are often exaggerated and overgeneralized and when they affect the way you interact with people, they can cause conflict and resentment.  Labeling yourself damages your self-esteem and can even lead to self-resentment, insecurity, and anxiety.  Your subconscious mind wants you to be “right”.  So any labels you place on yourself will cause you to subconsciously do whatever you can to remain within that label.  

Ex. Someone you meet at work gets an order wrong and a customer complains.  You label them as “stupid”.  From that point on you treat them as if they are unintelligent and incompetent because of this one mistake.  They begin to notice your condescending tone and your lack of trust in their abilities.  

Or 

You are tired when you get home from work and spend several hours in front of the TV before you go to bed instead of getting some household chores done.  You label yourself as “Lazy”.  From that point on, you feel the necessity of fitting into this label and consciously choose to do things that are lazy, even when you are not tired, because you have to fit in the box you’ve placed yourself in.  You hate that you are “lazy”, but it feels like you have no control over it.  

The way to beat labeling is to acknowledge the nuances and context of situations and hold back from developing strong opinions without all the facts.  If you’ve labeled someone else, get to know them.  Learning more about someone’s situation and personality quickly dismantles labels.  People do not fit neatly into boxes, they are dynamic and change daily.  

If you’ve given yourself a label, call that label into question and realize that people can change if they want to.  You are not anxious, you just felt anxious.  You are not lazy, you just acted lazy.  You are not useless, you just did something wrong, or didn’t know how to do something yet.  We learn, we grow, we change, we improve, we adapt.  Labels will make you think you are stuck in an imaginary box.  The only one keeping you there is yourself.  Change, if you don’t like it.  Change can be hard work, but it is worth it in the end.  

Jumping to conclusions

Also referred to as “mind-reading”, this distortion involves interpreting a situation negatively and reacting to it without sufficient evidence.  Jumping to conclusions is often a mental response to persistent thoughts and worries you may have been entertaining in your mind.  

Ex. You are worried your boyfriend or girlfriend might be losing interest in you.  You spend a lot of time thinking about it.  One day, you see them and they have a stern or serious expression on their face.  Before they can even say anything, you assume they are planning on breaking up with you and go into damage control mode and begin getting emotional.  In reality, they just had a hard day at work and were thinking about all the things that went wrong there.  Your reaction was not only a reaction to the wrong conclusion, it may have made things worse and nudged things in the direction of what you feared.  

In order to combat this “mind-reading” behavior, learn to use open and clear communication.  If you are worried about something, speak with whoever is involved and seek clarity before you begin reacting to something that has not happened yet.  If you think someone is mad at you, or is having some other problem with you, ask questions before assuming the worst.  Chances are, the facial clues that you may be interpreting as anger towards you may be a reaction on their part to something else they are thinking about.  

Once you have established clear, open, and honest communication, tackle the problems one at a time.  Make sure to communicate during the whole process.  Conversations had in your imagination are just that: Imaginary.  They are not real.  You do not know what other people are thinking.  You can guess, but until you communicate, you can not know for sure.  

Mental Filtering

When someone engages in this distortion, they sift through the experiences they’ve had, weeding out the positive and fixating on the negative.  A situation could be seen as positive by all observers, but a person with an active mental filter would still find and fixate on the negative. 

Ex. You perform a musical number at church and aside from a single mistake towards the beginning of the number, you did a beautiful job.  Afterwards people compliment how well you did, some may even have shed a tear or two.  Instead of appreciating how well you did, you fixate on that one mistake and view the entire experience as a failure.  

The way to counter mental filtering is to consciously count positive things.  When starting out, you may have to force yourself to list three good things that happened each day.  Then do this twice a day.  Then three times a day.  Do this until you find yourself subconsciously looking for and appreciating positive things as they happen.  

Overgeneralization

This distortion causes a person to take an isolated negative occurrence, and transform it into a persistent pattern.  Absolutes like, “never”, “always”, “everything”, and “nothing” are often used in these generalized statements that repeat like mantras in the mind. 

Ex. You raise your hand in class and give an answer to a question.  Unfortunately you got the answer wrong.  In frustration, you say to yourself, “I’m so stupid, I’m never going to understand this!”  You find yourself struggling in this class from that day on.  You get more and more frustrated until you find yourself just resigning to the new “truth” that you are “never going to understand this.”  You stop caring.  

Overgeneralization can be countered by realizing that absolutes are poison!  People are not consistent enough for any of these words to be true.  “You always do this!”  Really?  They do that in every situation?  “Everything I try fails!”  Really?  Everything?  You’ve never had success, ever?  How have you survived this long? 

When you look at these words and phrases through a lens of logic, you will realize how laughably false they are.  

Personalization

Sometimes referred to as “Main character syndrome”, this distortion causes people to make everything about themselves in some way.   This means that they either view all events and situations as either related to them or something they did, or they think that anything anyone says or does around them is somehow directed at them.  They take responsibility for things that happen that have nothing to do with them or their actions.  

Ex. My son got hurt at school during recess.  I should have kept him home today!  This is my fault!

Or 

Someone at a party is talking about their new diet.  They must be making a jab at my health and implying that I should get on a diet too.  

Personalization can be defeated with the realization and acknowledgement that everything is not, in fact, about you.  In fact, most things are not about you.  You are not the main character in the story of the world.  Everyone around you is living out their own lives through their own perspectives.  One exercise that can be helpful is to spend some time looking at situations through the perspective of someone else that was there.  If you were that person with their own life and problems, would you go out of your way to make jabs or comments about some other person at the party by telling some roundabout story?  If you would, you may need to work on being a nicer person.  Most people would not.  

Regarding taking responsibility for things that happen outside of your sphere of control or influence, acknowledging that sometimes things just happen is important.  If you believe in God, then recognizing that He has a master plan for the world and it doesn’t always involve you can be humbling, but is healthy.  Understand that the only thing you have true control over is you.  You can control your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.  That is it.  There are consequences for our actions, sure, but it needs to be understood that there is a point where our consequences stop and other people’s begin.  Your “intent” is usually where that line can be drawn.  If something happened that you did not intend, and was not directly caused by your actions, then you are not responsible.  “Random” events (or acts of God) do not fall under the umbrella of your control or responsibility.  

Polarization

Also referred to as “all-or-nothing thinking”, this distortion leads to extreme, black or white thinking.  People are good or bad, you either succeed or you fail, you have total control over yourself or you have no self control whatsoever.  There is no middle ground, there are no shades of gray, and there is no such thing as nuance.  

This distortion often leads to extremely unreasonable standards.  These can be imposed on others or yourself.  Holding others to impossibly high standards leads to resentment and discouragement.  Holding yourself to such standards begets anxiety, low self-esteem, and perfectionism.  

Engaging in polarization can also be categorized with “either/or” thoughts.  Either you succeed all the way, or you give up entirely.  

Ex. You have always gotten A’s in school.  You got a B on this last test.  Now you are a failure and nothing you do can remedy it.  You might as well give up for the rest of the semester.  Your record is forever tarnished.  

Or

You had a stressful day and cheated on your diet with a burger from a fast food restaurant.  Your diet is ruined now and you might as well eat that cake you’ve had your eye on, and get pizza for dinner tomorrow and stop torturing yourself with salad.  

Or

You always looked up to your coworker for being on task all the time and getting a lot of things done each day.  Today, you caught them looking at memes on their phone.  You must have been wrong about them this whole time, they are actually terrible at their job and must waste so much time when you aren’t looking.  

Polarization requires perspective.  No living human being is perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes, even you.  We struggle each day to come out with a net positive and most days we may succeed, because our labor does have merit, but some days we fail.  As long as you and others are doing what you can to be better today, this week, this month, and this year, than you were yesterday, last week, last month, and last year, then you are doing well.  The same applies to everyone.  When someone screws up, then improvement starts from that moment.  

If you cave on your diet and eat a burger, enjoy that burger, then continue working on your diet.  (As a side note, dieting doesn’t work.  This is because it comes with the implication that it is temporary.  Rather than changing your diet, change your lifestyle.  Eating and living healthy is something that needs to be a permanent behavior and something you learn to enjoy doing.  But the principle here is the same.)

“Everybody is human” should be your mantra when someone does not live up to what you expected of them.  We forgive others their shortcomings and encourage them to do better, just as we forgive ourselves when we have shortcomings and work to do better.  We are all works in progress, not flawless pieces of art.  

Shoulds

Should is a bad word.  It seems well meaning, but in reality, when you say that you “should be doing something” or you “should be this way”, it usually means that you are not doing that thing and you aren’t that way.  At that point, “should” only gives you guilt and stress.  “Should” imposes immovable rules and standards onto a person or a situation.  When the “should” inevitably fails, either because of a change of situation or because of an error or insufficiency, it can cause stress, anger, guilt, and shame.  

Ex. I should eat healthier.  I should go to the gym every day.  I should do the dishes.  I should have more energy.  I should read the scriptures.  I should go to bed on time.  This shouldn’t be so hard.  I shouldn’t eat so much junk!  I should be better.  

The way to dismantle your ever growing list of “shoulds” is to cut straight to the root of the issue.  Answer the question: “Will you or won’t you?”  When answering this question for each should that pops into your mind, you need to be brutally honest with yourself.  Is it within your current capability?  Do you want to?  Is it something you have time to do?  

If the answer is yes, you will, then get it done as fast as you can so you can stop thinking about it.  Just do it, and do it NOW!  (or at least put it on your schedule NOW.)  If you need to break it into steps then do that and start working on step one as soon as possible.  

If the answer is no, you won’t, then you have a couple choices.  

1. Cross it off your list.  It is not going to happen.  You are not going to do it.  It is unimportant.  You are done thinking about it.  Period.  

2. Delegate.  Find someone else to do it.  Have them get it done.  Now it is their problem and you can stop thinking about it.  

3. If you realize that this is something that is so important that you can’t just forget about it and it is not something someone else can do (like taxes or reconciling with children or an old friend) then make the choice to motivate yourself to actually do it.  List off all the reasons why you will feel so much better when the task is done and pay attention to how your motivation to get it done builds.  At that point, the item becomes a “will” and you can get it done.  

For shoulds relating to other people realize that you are not in charge of other people.  You can make a suggestion now and then, but what they choose to do with those suggestions is their business and it is not your place to hold them to your “shoulds”.  Recognize that situations change, the unforeseeable happens, and sometimes people just don’t want the same things you want.  Imposing “shoulds” on others or yourself is not only unrealistic, it is unfair, and can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, stress, and resentment.  Respect the “wills and won’ts” people decide on when dealing with their own “shoulds”.  

What to Do About It

If any of these distortions match any of your behaviors, congratulations!  You’re human!  In fact, you have probably engaged in each of these behaviors at least once in your life.  If you haven’t, you probably will, at some point.  The key is recognizing it early before it becomes too much of a problem.  So what now?  What do you do with this new knowledge?  Do you go around calling out all your friends and family members for their cognitive distortions?  Please don’t.  People don’t appreciate unsolicited therapeutic advice (ask my wife).  Instead, use this information to better yourself.  

The answers to each of these distortions are simple.  For many, it is as simple as recognizing the behavior when you notice yourself doing it.  That is often enough to get you to stop it.  For others, it takes a little more work than that.  People often get upset when I show or tell them how simple their problems are to fix, saying something like, “easier said than done!”  To that, I reply, “I said it was simple, not easy.”  Stopping a bad habit is often as simple as doing something else (preferably something better for you) instead.  That is very simple.  It is often very difficult though to actually eliminate the desire for the bad habit enough to keep from going back to it while increasing the desire for the other activity or good habit instead.  That takes work.  It is the same here.  

If you struggle with one or more of these cognitive distortions follow these simple steps as well as any suggestions described along with the distortion’s description.  

1. Increase your conscious awareness.  In other words, think about your thoughts.  Ask why you are feeling the way you are about a situation or person.  Then approach the situation from a logical or impartial perspective.  

2. Remove absolutes.  Stop saying words like “always”, “never”, “nothing”, or “everything”.  These words enforce unrealistic standards on yourself or others and, frankly, are lies.  Replace them with words like, “sometimes” or “a lot of the time” instead of “always” or “never”, or the word “this” instead of “nothing” or “everything”. 

3. Avoid labels.  “You are not anxious, you just have anxious thoughts sometimes.”  If you notice a bad behavior, labeling yourself in conjunction with the behavior is likely to hurt your self esteem and increase the likelihood of repeating said behavior.  Instead, call out the behavior, feeling free to label it instead of labeling yourself.  “I didn’t do the dishes last night.  That was lazy.”  instead of “I’m lazy because I never do the dishes.”  

4. List out the positives.  This one is simple, but depending how far you’ve allowed yourself to descend into negativity can be a head-scratchingly difficult task at first.  Start out listing three positive things about a situation.   Do this each time you catch yourself thinking negatively about a situation.  Over time, you will default to the positive before you jump to the negative.  

   1. Asking the question, “What could go right?” is a great way to turn fear or dread into excitement and hope.  

5. Search for evidence.  If you catch yourself thinking negatively, look for hard evidence for those thoughts.  Most of the time, true evidence does not exist.  Ask questions, seek clarity and understanding, and look at things from the perspective of others.  

   1. If you do find some “actual” evidence, take that into account and repeat step 4.  Sometimes negative things do occur.  That is part of life.  Recognizing it and adapting to it is the first step to turning the negative into a positive.  I tell people to prepare for the worst while expecting the best.  You cannot be prepared if you don’t recognize when negative things happen, but it’s not worth being prepared if you have no hope for what comes after.  

If you feel like you are stuck and may be in need of help breaking any of these behaviors, consider contacting me and asking about hypnotherapy.  This is a great way to take better control of your own life, using the mind as a tool to work for you as opposed to it working against you.  If you truly desire to change, but run into mental roadblocks at each step, hypnotherapy can help you go straight to the root of the issue and establish the new behavior in it’s place.  

Feel free to visit our website at https://homesteadhealing.life/ or call our office at 801-360-0749 to schedule an appointment.